I think it'll be a good idea to blog about what I am experiencing though as I begin it will be very slow as I can only access my Blackberry. Eventually I hope to be able to write better on the computer, which is hard-wired to its table, and I can't easily get to it yet.
This process should help me move into acceptance of what has happened, which is, I think, the worst thing that ever happened to me. I am still very emotional and have even cried out of despair several times, as recently as yesterday.
Last Wednesday I was cutting the grass, using our Sears gas push mower. I was on a flat area, and was going forward then dragging the mower as I passed over some areas twice, the first pass a push, the second, a pull. I tripped over a low large rock and fell backward. Trying to grab balance I pulled the lawnmower over my foot. My sneaker was cut open and all I could do was to scream. Somehow - in shock? I then made it inside to call my wife Terri, who was at work. She then called a neighbor who got here first, to find me alternatively screaming and cursing. Shortly after, Terri arrived, and we set off for the hospital about 8 miles away where I had a 3 hour surgery. My large toe has had its bone reduced to dust. The next toe was broken into 15 pieces. Amputation was a strong possibility. Only time will tell if the surgeon was successful. I will be unable to walk on that foot at all for 6 weeks, which seems impossibly long.
Yes, another few inches and I could have cut it all off.
My spirit is low. One day at a time seems insurmountable, like facing a sheer cliff I can't climb. And if I accidentally put weight on that foot, I fear I could reset the clock and go through this hell again. There are many issues raised which I will address in the next post.
The pain pill I took 20 minutes ago is drifting me into a state from which it is hard to be coherent.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
OCTOBER 5
I have let the word out by facebook to my friends, and some neighbors now know. The most common reaction is; "ouch."
Apparently I am making a bigger thing than appropriate about how devastated I feel or most don't want to be very empathetic or can't be. Maybe misery loves company but company avoids misery. Or I am a sensitive boy. I expect many are glad it wasn't them.
I guess it's me. Nevertheless, I remain depressed and fragile.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Apparently I am making a bigger thing than appropriate about how devastated I feel or most don't want to be very empathetic or can't be. Maybe misery loves company but company avoids misery. Or I am a sensitive boy. I expect many are glad it wasn't them.
I guess it's me. Nevertheless, I remain depressed and fragile.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
OCTOBER 6
A dramatic end to yesterday's piece. Today I am deeper into the Oxycontin Oasis but will try to add more thoughts before they get completely away in the fog.
Today is fact, right about NOW as I write this, is one week mark from my accident.
A common response from caregivers and friends is to excuse this as an accident, which it surely was; still, I can't help but think that there is also some personal responsibility attached - that if only I had been more aware...
No doubt a new chapter has been opened in my life. And I think another has closed.
The new chapter is Become More Aware Of What You Have.
The old closing one is to finally acknowledge that my radio days ARE over. I've been mentally putting it on the sidelines of life, as if I was just temporarily out of the game, biding my time. It defined me, gave me self-worth; now I will have to find that elsewhere, in relationships, deeds, and inside myself. Externals will mean less. The moment will have to mean more.
My relationship with Terri will change, as I have had my eyes opened as to how precious she is to me. I don't think this is just so much reliance on her for so many daily kindnesses as I heal, but a more profound realization of how special she is in so many ways I have lost sight of in the day to day repetition of life.
My foot hurts a lot in bed and when not elevated. I am uncomfortable almost all the time, though the irritation changes with my position. The couch is too soft, or too hot, not padded enough, my butt hurts. Especially in the evenings, the last several hours between pain pills is most uncomfortable and I feel my agitation rise. I get the "jitters" and go from cold to sweatingly hot back to chills in a matter of minutes. Oxycontin, at this dosage level, 10mg every 12 hours, seems very benign in that I am surely not stoned. I do find the Blackberry keyboard much more challenging and typing mistakes climb.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Today is fact, right about NOW as I write this, is one week mark from my accident.
A common response from caregivers and friends is to excuse this as an accident, which it surely was; still, I can't help but think that there is also some personal responsibility attached - that if only I had been more aware...
No doubt a new chapter has been opened in my life. And I think another has closed.
The new chapter is Become More Aware Of What You Have.
The old closing one is to finally acknowledge that my radio days ARE over. I've been mentally putting it on the sidelines of life, as if I was just temporarily out of the game, biding my time. It defined me, gave me self-worth; now I will have to find that elsewhere, in relationships, deeds, and inside myself. Externals will mean less. The moment will have to mean more.
My relationship with Terri will change, as I have had my eyes opened as to how precious she is to me. I don't think this is just so much reliance on her for so many daily kindnesses as I heal, but a more profound realization of how special she is in so many ways I have lost sight of in the day to day repetition of life.
My foot hurts a lot in bed and when not elevated. I am uncomfortable almost all the time, though the irritation changes with my position. The couch is too soft, or too hot, not padded enough, my butt hurts. Especially in the evenings, the last several hours between pain pills is most uncomfortable and I feel my agitation rise. I get the "jitters" and go from cold to sweatingly hot back to chills in a matter of minutes. Oxycontin, at this dosage level, 10mg every 12 hours, seems very benign in that I am surely not stoned. I do find the Blackberry keyboard much more challenging and typing mistakes climb.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
OCTOBER 7
Yesterday was a better day and a not so better day.
About midday Terri drove me to the surgeon's office. He was encouraged and encouraging. I even snuck a glasses-off look at the foot, too wussy to confront it with good vision. I could see the wires sticking out of two toes.
The good news was his dedication and knowledge added to his cred.
The not-so-good news was he wanted to add another anti biotic to the regime - another "gut bomb.". I now have meds to take at 2am, 7am, 8am, 10am, 2pm, with dinner, at 7pm. 8pm, 10pm. 6 times daily my gut is bombed, and those pills often make me feel like my innards are on high heat, plus there's diarehha (need spell check!)
We asked for a renew on the pain pills as they run out Sunday, and the surgeon said to speak with the hospital staff doc who is named on the prescription as the issuer. That guy wouldn't do it "unless he could see me first" - but he saw me just 4 days ago. Terri refused to let either one of us be a ping pong ball between two warring docs, and told him to work it out. Apparently the resolution was to prescribe a less powerful more common medicine which I've had for oral surgeries in the past. It causes headaches, gas, constipation, doesn't last as long, and doesn't work very well for me on pain.
The day peaked as we came home and then the pain and discomfort built for the rest of the day. My joints are all barking at me from the contortions made nessessary by one-legged world.
I was cheered by phone and email contact from old friends, though. And Terri is a saint for absorbing my many requests without complaint. Without her I would be in a rehab hospital.
When I get off the antibiotic meds used to carpet-bomb infection, it'll be a major improvement.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
About midday Terri drove me to the surgeon's office. He was encouraged and encouraging. I even snuck a glasses-off look at the foot, too wussy to confront it with good vision. I could see the wires sticking out of two toes.
The good news was his dedication and knowledge added to his cred.
The not-so-good news was he wanted to add another anti biotic to the regime - another "gut bomb.". I now have meds to take at 2am, 7am, 8am, 10am, 2pm, with dinner, at 7pm. 8pm, 10pm. 6 times daily my gut is bombed, and those pills often make me feel like my innards are on high heat, plus there's diarehha (need spell check!)
We asked for a renew on the pain pills as they run out Sunday, and the surgeon said to speak with the hospital staff doc who is named on the prescription as the issuer. That guy wouldn't do it "unless he could see me first" - but he saw me just 4 days ago. Terri refused to let either one of us be a ping pong ball between two warring docs, and told him to work it out. Apparently the resolution was to prescribe a less powerful more common medicine which I've had for oral surgeries in the past. It causes headaches, gas, constipation, doesn't last as long, and doesn't work very well for me on pain.
The day peaked as we came home and then the pain and discomfort built for the rest of the day. My joints are all barking at me from the contortions made nessessary by one-legged world.
I was cheered by phone and email contact from old friends, though. And Terri is a saint for absorbing my many requests without complaint. Without her I would be in a rehab hospital.
When I get off the antibiotic meds used to carpet-bomb infection, it'll be a major improvement.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
OCTOBER 8
Gee, my thumb joint is stiff from using the Blackberry! Next week sometime I hope to transition to the computer.
I do want to continue to use this blog as a method to focus my thoughts. Self-indulgent? Interesting? Who knows?
The passage of time has slowed to a crawl.
The weather has taken a huge turn to cloudy and rainy and now even cool for a few days. Local weatherpeople have been crowing about how beautiful today would be, but so far they are wrong again as the day so far is cloudy and unseasonably cool. I write this as at least part of the reason I am so depressed, as I am "phototropic," i.e. I find cloudy days make me somewhat gloomy.
My least favorite time of the year is when the days get noticeably shorter, and it seems the transition became much more obvious while I was hospitalized. Even with the lights on, rooms seem dark. In the past, it'd take 2-3 weeks to get used to it.
I didn't sleep well last night and feel myself fading, so will stop now.
At least we found a chair I can sit in all day.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerryYesterday
I do want to continue to use this blog as a method to focus my thoughts. Self-indulgent? Interesting? Who knows?
The passage of time has slowed to a crawl.
The weather has taken a huge turn to cloudy and rainy and now even cool for a few days. Local weatherpeople have been crowing about how beautiful today would be, but so far they are wrong again as the day so far is cloudy and unseasonably cool. I write this as at least part of the reason I am so depressed, as I am "phototropic," i.e. I find cloudy days make me somewhat gloomy.
My least favorite time of the year is when the days get noticeably shorter, and it seems the transition became much more obvious while I was hospitalized. Even with the lights on, rooms seem dark. In the past, it'd take 2-3 weeks to get used to it.
I didn't sleep well last night and feel myself fading, so will stop now.
At least we found a chair I can sit in all day.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerryYesterday
OCTOBER 9
Yesterday wasn't great. Actually, it felt like a step or two backward as I crashed twice, once in the morning and then again the the afternoon. As limited as my exertions are, I.e., I sit in my chair all day, I was surprised to find my energy repeatedly depleted.
In the evening, we did watch 'our' Texas Longhorns defeat Colorado. I fear Oklahoma next week as a much better opponent.
Received a pair of cards frpm friends who mailed them from an Amsterdam layover on their way to Greece. Their empathy was warm and wonderful.
Today I will switch to the less powerful pain pills as the hospital doc would only discharge me with just 8 Oxycontin pills. To spring them from the pharmacy, triplicate forms must be filed!
I don't feel what I'd call pain in my foot but have done a pretty good job of not moving it. My other joints, etc., have taken a beating and they will hurt.
It would be a shame to discover monster pain which has been masked until now by the powerful OxyC, so for the sake of all concerned, especially Terri, I will continue down the Prescriptive Highway.
It will be interesting to learn if my current round of dreams is sponsored by Oxycontin or the trauma. All my dreams last night were unpleasant ones, and as I awake about every hour or two to pee - thank god for the porta-potty bedside - there are plenty dreams in between pit stops.
Writing of trauma, I have found if I dwell on the long recovery or the accident, just from that, I can break out in a cold sweat.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerryI'm
In the evening, we did watch 'our' Texas Longhorns defeat Colorado. I fear Oklahoma next week as a much better opponent.
Received a pair of cards frpm friends who mailed them from an Amsterdam layover on their way to Greece. Their empathy was warm and wonderful.
Today I will switch to the less powerful pain pills as the hospital doc would only discharge me with just 8 Oxycontin pills. To spring them from the pharmacy, triplicate forms must be filed!
I don't feel what I'd call pain in my foot but have done a pretty good job of not moving it. My other joints, etc., have taken a beating and they will hurt.
It would be a shame to discover monster pain which has been masked until now by the powerful OxyC, so for the sake of all concerned, especially Terri, I will continue down the Prescriptive Highway.
It will be interesting to learn if my current round of dreams is sponsored by Oxycontin or the trauma. All my dreams last night were unpleasant ones, and as I awake about every hour or two to pee - thank god for the porta-potty bedside - there are plenty dreams in between pit stops.
Writing of trauma, I have found if I dwell on the long recovery or the accident, just from that, I can break out in a cold sweat.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerryI'm
OCTOBER 10
I'm standing (figuratively) at the crossroads of Painpill Types one and two. At my descretion, PP1 is an hour and a half late.
I thought I'd not take pain meds to see if I really needed them, despite a brand spanking new bottle of 120 Hydrocodone 7.5s trying to lure me into its numb embrace. I am no pill junkie.
After a few stabbing reminders of why I have a large quantity of tightly-controlled narcotic, however, I eased my toe (again, figuratively, plus gratefully) into the Hydrocodone pool: I took half of one, expecting a bonanza of debilitating side effect which would make me forget why I took the pill in the first place, if my memory itself doesn't hop aboard the express out of town.
Now let's see if I can make it to the porta-potty without falling.
45 minutes later I pecked up that other half pill like a barnyard chicken, allbeit one with its claw bandaged and held up in the air.
Serendipity had me tune A Prairie Home Companion just as the show began. This is so darn good. Too bad radio only can reach this pinnacle once a week. In fact, calling it radio pulls it down or pulls radio up.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
I thought I'd not take pain meds to see if I really needed them, despite a brand spanking new bottle of 120 Hydrocodone 7.5s trying to lure me into its numb embrace. I am no pill junkie.
After a few stabbing reminders of why I have a large quantity of tightly-controlled narcotic, however, I eased my toe (again, figuratively, plus gratefully) into the Hydrocodone pool: I took half of one, expecting a bonanza of debilitating side effect which would make me forget why I took the pill in the first place, if my memory itself doesn't hop aboard the express out of town.
Now let's see if I can make it to the porta-potty without falling.
45 minutes later I pecked up that other half pill like a barnyard chicken, allbeit one with its claw bandaged and held up in the air.
Serendipity had me tune A Prairie Home Companion just as the show began. This is so darn good. Too bad radio only can reach this pinnacle once a week. In fact, calling it radio pulls it down or pulls radio up.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
OCTOBER 11
Would I be the only one to have found the Blackberry keypad to be too small? Add that to the pain meds and wrong keystrokes, I'll bet I do everything at least twice.
Here's what iy would look like without redos, and this is no exaggeration: I bet you cannoy read what I am trying tro wriye. For some reewason tha( came outbbetter th*n I expewctedm.
"Be careful! Be careful! Be careful! Be careful! Be careful!". Yes. 5 times. I repeat this little mantra everytime I move out of my chair or the bed because it would be so easy to forget to pay attention and accidentally put weight on my injury and ruin any healing to date. Especially with the meds, it's all to easy to revert to the past, to plant that foot. I find I get through to my self on the third repeat.
Last night I had bugs. I believe these are a side effect of the Hydrocodone - another way to describe the feeling would be if someone dragged hairs over my face, very slowly. It's a tickle you MUST stop. Another affliction - is it worth the pain reduction to be driven mad?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Here's what iy would look like without redos, and this is no exaggeration: I bet you cannoy read what I am trying tro wriye. For some reewason tha( came outbbetter th*n I expewctedm.
"Be careful! Be careful! Be careful! Be careful! Be careful!". Yes. 5 times. I repeat this little mantra everytime I move out of my chair or the bed because it would be so easy to forget to pay attention and accidentally put weight on my injury and ruin any healing to date. Especially with the meds, it's all to easy to revert to the past, to plant that foot. I find I get through to my self on the third repeat.
Last night I had bugs. I believe these are a side effect of the Hydrocodone - another way to describe the feeling would be if someone dragged hairs over my face, very slowly. It's a tickle you MUST stop. Another affliction - is it worth the pain reduction to be driven mad?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
OCTOBER 12
Must rest up today as tomorrow a crew will be just outside the windows from where I sit on the porta-potty, if not in my chair, as they saw, weld and shout manly things while installing a new unrusty pool fence. Simultaneously, the cleaning women will shuffle around my halo of cold sweat on this side of the glass. And then I hobble'n'crawl into the backseat of Terri's car for a ride to the surgeon for a checkup.
I should be good and stressed.
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I should be good and stressed.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
OCTOBER 13
There's a psychological toll being taken. It's unpleasant. As I lay there last night, unable to sleep, fear started to grip me. This is not a normal stop for my train of consciousness. Perhaps the gloom is being driven by semi-helplessness?
I worried about our being in a car wreck on the way to the doctor in the rain today. Then I worried about Terri being in an accident alone - how will I be able to care for her? And on my mind went, from tragedy to tragedy.
Could this thinking be tied to the speed and surprise of my foot-under-lawnmower injury? In an instant, everything changes. Your psyche tries to hold on to the old reality, but cannot, as it has been shredded. I don't know if it's the speed of change or the depth of change which is harder to process.
Or maybe it has to do with the way you were raised? My mother aways seemed to see the bad. An example, near word for word - and if I can remember this 30 years later, imagine how deeply I must have been programmed:
"Mother I just bought a car!"
"Oh, no..."
"No, it's a good one, a Cadillac."
"Oh no... Too expensive..."
"No, it's used"
"Oh no, you bought somebody else's trouble."
Not a lot of joy in that world, is there?
My father didn't drive our car - he just couldn't master it so my mother's influence was strong. She wouldn't get a radio in a car because "then you couldn't hear the sirens" and presumably you'd be hit by a fire truck or ambulance. Could this twisted-think be surfacing now at a time when my emotions are still raw?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Later...
Gee it’s another milestone – today is the first day I could sit at the computer. After 45 minutes of email, I am shot. It’s incredible how much energy you lose and how fast!
There is a lesson here – Doing my pecking for this blog when on the Blackberry was a time-consuming chore to start my days, but it gave me a purpose, and that evidentally was an important piece of the healing puzzle.
Yesterday had another good checkup but am now considering a psychologist as recommended by the surgeon. He fixes feet... let the other professional work on my head. He suggested I am still full of unresolved anger issues toward blaming myself, and I think it’s true. Will give it another week and see if my state of the head changes before I commit.
I must go rest.
I worried about our being in a car wreck on the way to the doctor in the rain today. Then I worried about Terri being in an accident alone - how will I be able to care for her? And on my mind went, from tragedy to tragedy.
Could this thinking be tied to the speed and surprise of my foot-under-lawnmower injury? In an instant, everything changes. Your psyche tries to hold on to the old reality, but cannot, as it has been shredded. I don't know if it's the speed of change or the depth of change which is harder to process.
Or maybe it has to do with the way you were raised? My mother aways seemed to see the bad. An example, near word for word - and if I can remember this 30 years later, imagine how deeply I must have been programmed:
"Mother I just bought a car!"
"Oh, no..."
"No, it's a good one, a Cadillac."
"Oh no... Too expensive..."
"No, it's used"
"Oh no, you bought somebody else's trouble."
Not a lot of joy in that world, is there?
My father didn't drive our car - he just couldn't master it so my mother's influence was strong. She wouldn't get a radio in a car because "then you couldn't hear the sirens" and presumably you'd be hit by a fire truck or ambulance. Could this twisted-think be surfacing now at a time when my emotions are still raw?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Later...
Gee it’s another milestone – today is the first day I could sit at the computer. After 45 minutes of email, I am shot. It’s incredible how much energy you lose and how fast!
There is a lesson here – Doing my pecking for this blog when on the Blackberry was a time-consuming chore to start my days, but it gave me a purpose, and that evidentally was an important piece of the healing puzzle.
Yesterday had another good checkup but am now considering a psychologist as recommended by the surgeon. He fixes feet... let the other professional work on my head. He suggested I am still full of unresolved anger issues toward blaming myself, and I think it’s true. Will give it another week and see if my state of the head changes before I commit.
I must go rest.
OCTOBER 14
With a break from nearly two weeks of rain, a crew has decended upon our rusty pool fence to replace it with one said not to rust. They are working just beyond the windows of our living room, the room in which I spend most of my days.
I'd rather not perform on the chair-side porta-potty for these guys, and since I need to ramp up my activity level (and have been encouraged by the doc to expand my limits), I now walker myself to the shelter of our powder room for the launch of torpedoes.
Terri is at work. Jessie, our old and sleepy dog, keeps me company.
I had an urge. I walkered myself to the toilet. And as I sat there, realized the peril: left behind on the coffee table was lunch - a prepared peanut butter sandwich plus plastic bottle of honey. I had visions of the dog's "never asleep nose" waking the rest of her and leading to the yummy sticky honey bottle which she would drag all over in her fever to get it wide open so she could tongue the bee goo!
As I tried to hurry along my narcotic-induced constippy, I could only imagine what horrible mess awaited.
Happily, we dodged the sticky bullet this time. Until Terri returns, I am not moving... In any way!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
I'd rather not perform on the chair-side porta-potty for these guys, and since I need to ramp up my activity level (and have been encouraged by the doc to expand my limits), I now walker myself to the shelter of our powder room for the launch of torpedoes.
Terri is at work. Jessie, our old and sleepy dog, keeps me company.
I had an urge. I walkered myself to the toilet. And as I sat there, realized the peril: left behind on the coffee table was lunch - a prepared peanut butter sandwich plus plastic bottle of honey. I had visions of the dog's "never asleep nose" waking the rest of her and leading to the yummy sticky honey bottle which she would drag all over in her fever to get it wide open so she could tongue the bee goo!
As I tried to hurry along my narcotic-induced constippy, I could only imagine what horrible mess awaited.
Happily, we dodged the sticky bullet this time. Until Terri returns, I am not moving... In any way!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
OCTOBER 15
This would be another minor victory-day – perhaps bored or frustrated, I managed to stand at the sink and shave myself. Man, that reads so wimpily, but believe me, ANY “step” forward is significant. Small steps add up to some distance and I clearly have a long way to go.
Yesterday seemed 3 to 4 times as long as any other day recently, because it marked two weeks. I must have thought of it 1000 times, and that made it slow down.
Today I am welcoming a visitor and have to admit some worry. It sure would be impolite to conk out.
I haven’t mentioned it but my dreams have become more usual. Not so vivid. Less imaginative. (I had had a run of dreams from carrying my drunk Dad on my back around Philadelphia, to hanging out with Brad Pitt, to being on the radio and being really amusing.) It must have been either the trauma or the drugs, or both. I am down to one antibiotic which I do feel when I take it – sort of an internal burn – not a great description, but as close as I can come, and my half dose pain killers. Actually the foot isn’t the issue as much as my other joints and my butt which very much minds sitting all day. Today I am trying to spend hours on the Aeron chair, since it is ventilated and distributes my weight better than a more plush one would. But I am worn. My years of push-ups and other exercises are so far behind that I am turning to flab.
Yesterday seemed 3 to 4 times as long as any other day recently, because it marked two weeks. I must have thought of it 1000 times, and that made it slow down.
Today I am welcoming a visitor and have to admit some worry. It sure would be impolite to conk out.
I haven’t mentioned it but my dreams have become more usual. Not so vivid. Less imaginative. (I had had a run of dreams from carrying my drunk Dad on my back around Philadelphia, to hanging out with Brad Pitt, to being on the radio and being really amusing.) It must have been either the trauma or the drugs, or both. I am down to one antibiotic which I do feel when I take it – sort of an internal burn – not a great description, but as close as I can come, and my half dose pain killers. Actually the foot isn’t the issue as much as my other joints and my butt which very much minds sitting all day. Today I am trying to spend hours on the Aeron chair, since it is ventilated and distributes my weight better than a more plush one would. But I am worn. My years of push-ups and other exercises are so far behind that I am turning to flab.
OCTOBER 16
Yesterday was the best so far! A friend came over. We had lunch and chewed through the problems of the world and industry for 3 hours. I felt so energized and alive! Afterwards I had to remind myself that I still have a long way to go and that getting over-excited might mean accidentally putting weight on my healing foot. Must be careful! My mind was telling me I was ready to move on. My body isn’t.
Since I have been cutting my pain pill dose in half, last night before bed I broke one in two... but it actually was more lopsided than that. I took the heavy side and went to sleep. This morning I took the short side and then was surprised to find PAIN. It wasn’t just a stab or two either – it was constant. Uh oh – reminder! So I took another half and am now pain free but I definitely feel the dull weight of grogginess. Agin, must remiond myself constantly to be careful! I don’t want any setbacks. While lying there waiting for the second dose to take effect I found my mind drifting to all those things I need to get done – like pool maintenance, etc. – all of which require muscle and feet. I just have to force these thoughts away for now.
This morning we go to the doctor’s for training on how to use a bone stimulator – some sort of magnetic device.
Wrong – it’s ultrasound – said to be 86% effective and speed healing by up to 40%! I will have to learn to remove my bandages – expose the black toe and wires protruding, and dose myself for 40 minutes each day. I will, but eeeuuuw. This thing is superbad ugly - and black as coal!
On the way home, Terri’s Jaguar started smoking and it looked like the radiator hose had blown. I know you don’t open the hood – not that either of us could – when it’s spewing. For a moment it occurred to me that if there were flames, I’d have to move quickly. So we called a wonderful neighbor who came to fetch me (as my pain pill was expiring) while Terri stayed with the car. AAA then sent the wrong kind of tow-truck... hey... I needed a TOE truck, and the car a... ok, never mind that.
So on top of everything else, we need to figure out how to swing another new car. Her Jag had been 'fixed' by the dealership TWICE for the same problem... days apart.
Since I have been cutting my pain pill dose in half, last night before bed I broke one in two... but it actually was more lopsided than that. I took the heavy side and went to sleep. This morning I took the short side and then was surprised to find PAIN. It wasn’t just a stab or two either – it was constant. Uh oh – reminder! So I took another half and am now pain free but I definitely feel the dull weight of grogginess. Agin, must remiond myself constantly to be careful! I don’t want any setbacks. While lying there waiting for the second dose to take effect I found my mind drifting to all those things I need to get done – like pool maintenance, etc. – all of which require muscle and feet. I just have to force these thoughts away for now.
This morning we go to the doctor’s for training on how to use a bone stimulator – some sort of magnetic device.
Wrong – it’s ultrasound – said to be 86% effective and speed healing by up to 40%! I will have to learn to remove my bandages – expose the black toe and wires protruding, and dose myself for 40 minutes each day. I will, but eeeuuuw. This thing is superbad ugly - and black as coal!
On the way home, Terri’s Jaguar started smoking and it looked like the radiator hose had blown. I know you don’t open the hood – not that either of us could – when it’s spewing. For a moment it occurred to me that if there were flames, I’d have to move quickly. So we called a wonderful neighbor who came to fetch me (as my pain pill was expiring) while Terri stayed with the car. AAA then sent the wrong kind of tow-truck... hey... I needed a TOE truck, and the car a... ok, never mind that.
So on top of everything else, we need to figure out how to swing another new car. Her Jag had been 'fixed' by the dealership TWICE for the same problem... days apart.
OCTOBER 17
I am not looking forward to taking the dressing off and putting it back so I can do the ultrasound. I will, but this is SO gross. I guess you get used to it, and I have no choice. But yuk.
My muscles are really atrophying. Before the accident I was doing 1200+ pushups a week plus a bunch of other stuff which is all impossible now. My walker-muscles (shoulders, pecs?) are okay but I can see the loss of muscle tone and mass and sure do feel weak. My core conditioning is also shot and so after sleep I find the bad back is returning. Wonder if I have lost weight? I don’t think it’d be wise to stand on the scale on one foot. My balance has always been bad – now, forget it! (Later – I did manage to hop on – appears I’ve lost 7 pounds so far. But I wouldn’t recommend this as a weight-loss plan.)
Surprisingly, my appetite is good.
ONE MORE antibiotic pill to go. The last of three different prescriptions. I think they affect how I feel for the worse so it’ll be nice to climb out from under them. Even if the only net result is fewer wakeups for pills overnight, it’s a step forward.
Last night one of the pins in my toe had worked its pointy way through the covering and when I moved the foot in bed, I thought I heard shredding of sheet. Apparently it was a scrape, not a puncture and rip, but we’ll have to devise some way to cover it up better.
My muscles are really atrophying. Before the accident I was doing 1200+ pushups a week plus a bunch of other stuff which is all impossible now. My walker-muscles (shoulders, pecs?) are okay but I can see the loss of muscle tone and mass and sure do feel weak. My core conditioning is also shot and so after sleep I find the bad back is returning. Wonder if I have lost weight? I don’t think it’d be wise to stand on the scale on one foot. My balance has always been bad – now, forget it! (Later – I did manage to hop on – appears I’ve lost 7 pounds so far. But I wouldn’t recommend this as a weight-loss plan.)
Surprisingly, my appetite is good.
ONE MORE antibiotic pill to go. The last of three different prescriptions. I think they affect how I feel for the worse so it’ll be nice to climb out from under them. Even if the only net result is fewer wakeups for pills overnight, it’s a step forward.
Last night one of the pins in my toe had worked its pointy way through the covering and when I moved the foot in bed, I thought I heard shredding of sheet. Apparently it was a scrape, not a puncture and rip, but we’ll have to devise some way to cover it up better.
OCTOBER 18
A good night’s sleep really does help things, despite bad dreams. That and the results – finally! - of stuffing myself with prunes to counter the pain pill constipation. Since so many joints in both legs, hips, and even arms were hurting, I reverted to the full prescribed pill instead of the halves I was taking.
Looking forward to the week ahead we will visit the doctor again, I will begin the bone stimulator work. This involves looking at the wound, something I’ve only seen with my glasses off – yes, it’s that gross! We must remove the bandages, position the stimulator ($2200!) and let it run for 20 minutes per location. Then redress the site.
I have a lot of books people have brought me to while away the hours. The weather is supposed to be nice (today is cool and crisp and beautiful) And we can hopefully settle on a landscaping service to cut grass, etc. I won’t be doing THAT any more, though I will need to find a way to get the exercise. Just doing the normal work would take me about 2 to 3 hours. In 100 degree heat, it’s real work. But after the accident and 4+ years of do-it-yourself, I’m done.
Looking forward to the week ahead we will visit the doctor again, I will begin the bone stimulator work. This involves looking at the wound, something I’ve only seen with my glasses off – yes, it’s that gross! We must remove the bandages, position the stimulator ($2200!) and let it run for 20 minutes per location. Then redress the site.
I have a lot of books people have brought me to while away the hours. The weather is supposed to be nice (today is cool and crisp and beautiful) And we can hopefully settle on a landscaping service to cut grass, etc. I won’t be doing THAT any more, though I will need to find a way to get the exercise. Just doing the normal work would take me about 2 to 3 hours. In 100 degree heat, it’s real work. But after the accident and 4+ years of do-it-yourself, I’m done.
OCTOBER 19
Well, FINALLY I am out of the antibiotics. I swear I can feel them – they are not only gut bombs but generally unpleasant (my first real anti antibiotic experience.) So that’s progress!
Today will feel odd – Terri will be away all day. I don’t necessarily need her to be here, but I have grown accustomed to her company and will go through withdrawal. Also, there will be less distraction and I will just have to deal with it all. On my own. I have radio, TV, plenty to read, and it’s a nice day – but must remember to take it easy and “be careful” (repeat 5 times!)
In bed I have experienced what I can only describe as random stretching of my whole body – I roll over or whatever triggers it and then my whole body goes into an involuntary stretch... and I lay there fearing damage or stab o’ pain as it works down to my foot. So far so good, but it’s odd to have something so “big” completely out of my control.
I am still buzzed happily about the time I got to spend with each of the two visitors I had this past week... They helped me feel less loneliness. I guess that’s a bad part of what an accident does to your psyche – it isolates you within this very personal experience.
My energy is full of peaks and valleys. I wish it would even out.
Doc tomorrow, with unveiling of the foot, self-ultrasound day one. I expect to be SO grossed out.
Today will feel odd – Terri will be away all day. I don’t necessarily need her to be here, but I have grown accustomed to her company and will go through withdrawal. Also, there will be less distraction and I will just have to deal with it all. On my own. I have radio, TV, plenty to read, and it’s a nice day – but must remember to take it easy and “be careful” (repeat 5 times!)
In bed I have experienced what I can only describe as random stretching of my whole body – I roll over or whatever triggers it and then my whole body goes into an involuntary stretch... and I lay there fearing damage or stab o’ pain as it works down to my foot. So far so good, but it’s odd to have something so “big” completely out of my control.
I am still buzzed happily about the time I got to spend with each of the two visitors I had this past week... They helped me feel less loneliness. I guess that’s a bad part of what an accident does to your psyche – it isolates you within this very personal experience.
My energy is full of peaks and valleys. I wish it would even out.
Doc tomorrow, with unveiling of the foot, self-ultrasound day one. I expect to be SO grossed out.
OCTOBER 20
The day of the gross-out?
I have been feeling nauseated. Don’t know why. Had a case of the “what-ifs” and general insecurity while trying to sleep last night. I guess that what happens – your vulnerability reminds you of other vulnerabilities of which you’d rather not think.
Later this week might be the first time I drive a car if the doc agrees, as Terri’s car is now repaired and we need a way to get her to the shop where they fix it and overcharge. I am certainly not impaired except for my foot, but what we need to know is how long I can have it in a down position without exploding. Happily, my car requires no manual shifting or I’d be out of luck.
A neighbor who had back surgery told Terri that the ultrasound really helped him heal quickly. Gee, I hope it works on me.
In my mind, today is a really big day: learning how to undress and redress the foot bandages, etc. – My first ultrasound. Another checkup. I hope it brings some good feelings and progress!
I have been feeling nauseated. Don’t know why. Had a case of the “what-ifs” and general insecurity while trying to sleep last night. I guess that what happens – your vulnerability reminds you of other vulnerabilities of which you’d rather not think.
Later this week might be the first time I drive a car if the doc agrees, as Terri’s car is now repaired and we need a way to get her to the shop where they fix it and overcharge. I am certainly not impaired except for my foot, but what we need to know is how long I can have it in a down position without exploding. Happily, my car requires no manual shifting or I’d be out of luck.
A neighbor who had back surgery told Terri that the ultrasound really helped him heal quickly. Gee, I hope it works on me.
In my mind, today is a really big day: learning how to undress and redress the foot bandages, etc. – My first ultrasound. Another checkup. I hope it brings some good feelings and progress!
OCTOBER 21
Yesterday was a HUGE day!
1- The surgeon said things were progressing very nicely. He decided not to put me in a plaster cast, or whatever they are made of these days.
2- Since I will have to dress my – what do you call it? – surgery site? I took a long look and honestly it has apparently improved (according to both the doc and Terri). It wasn’t as bad as I expected (though still plenty gross!)
3- He gave me a walking pneumatic boot. This takes maybe 60% of the stress and distributes it better plus locks the foot bottom in a way that I cannot bend my toes which would cause damage. I can almost walk – I say almost because it’s so much higher than my other foot that it’s more a hobble, but even so, this gives me incredible mobility over the way it way (dangling.)
4- I got the okay to drive the car since I don’t use my left foot. I will try this in the next day or so – have already made sure I fit nicely behind the wheel and can access the walker in the passenger seat area. Even if I don’t really go anywhere, knowing I can is such a psychological boost!
5- I can now put my foot down when sitting, instead of straight out. This is MUCH more comfortable.
6- I’ve begun the bone growth stimulator which IS painless and said to be highly effective. To do this I needed access to the skin, which is why the undressing in #2above.
My joints are still aching from the unusual positions and stresses plus the accumulated atrophy, but now I feel that my progress is real. (* Note: while editing this for spelling, etc., I feel compelled as a good reporter to point out that I eventually 'threw' my right knee, from overcompensating. I am editing on December 17 and believe me, it can HURT. I see the doc again tomorrow and will ask about rehab for it.)
I must be very careful not to overdo it which would be a setback. And now being more comfortable and mobile, all too easy, I think.
You can't convince me that there aren't laws of nature with which we are unfamiliar.
Now that I am unable to replace them, light bulbs are burning out in our home with unusual timing. Now three bulbs are burnt out and I can get to any of them without climbing a ladder. At this rate, by the time I am ablen the house will be dark!
I use long/extended life bulbs, too!
Nor is this electrical phenomena resticted to bulbs - our newish computer router conked out yesterday!
1- The surgeon said things were progressing very nicely. He decided not to put me in a plaster cast, or whatever they are made of these days.
2- Since I will have to dress my – what do you call it? – surgery site? I took a long look and honestly it has apparently improved (according to both the doc and Terri). It wasn’t as bad as I expected (though still plenty gross!)
3- He gave me a walking pneumatic boot. This takes maybe 60% of the stress and distributes it better plus locks the foot bottom in a way that I cannot bend my toes which would cause damage. I can almost walk – I say almost because it’s so much higher than my other foot that it’s more a hobble, but even so, this gives me incredible mobility over the way it way (dangling.)
4- I got the okay to drive the car since I don’t use my left foot. I will try this in the next day or so – have already made sure I fit nicely behind the wheel and can access the walker in the passenger seat area. Even if I don’t really go anywhere, knowing I can is such a psychological boost!
5- I can now put my foot down when sitting, instead of straight out. This is MUCH more comfortable.
6- I’ve begun the bone growth stimulator which IS painless and said to be highly effective. To do this I needed access to the skin, which is why the undressing in #2above.
My joints are still aching from the unusual positions and stresses plus the accumulated atrophy, but now I feel that my progress is real. (* Note: while editing this for spelling, etc., I feel compelled as a good reporter to point out that I eventually 'threw' my right knee, from overcompensating. I am editing on December 17 and believe me, it can HURT. I see the doc again tomorrow and will ask about rehab for it.)
I must be very careful not to overdo it which would be a setback. And now being more comfortable and mobile, all too easy, I think.
You can't convince me that there aren't laws of nature with which we are unfamiliar.
Now that I am unable to replace them, light bulbs are burning out in our home with unusual timing. Now three bulbs are burnt out and I can get to any of them without climbing a ladder. At this rate, by the time I am ablen the house will be dark!
I use long/extended life bulbs, too!
Nor is this electrical phenomena resticted to bulbs - our newish computer router conked out yesterday!
OCTOBER 22
At least the rain stopped and the sun has come out.
Another high-up lightbulb which I can't change has burned out.
We replaced our computer router but the replacement has failed.
Terri got a ride to the dealership which declared her car fixed but after driving only three miles, the car blew coolant again. She's stranded, and my car is at her office as that way we wouldn't have had to go far to retrieve it.
I am hobbling around nicely. I am noticing a skin condition on my face where it seems to itch an inordinate amount of time but I see no bumps or patches!
Time-Warner said to expect their tech by 10PM. Correct.
My foot is healing. Everything else seems to be falling apart though.
We are battling the car dealer about their crummy service - the Time-Warner tech is here as I write this at 7:15PM, trying to figure out why there’s no internet service – they tried to tell me it worked without coming but when he hooked up his gear, I was proven correct. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, we need it fixed.
And I find my energy is bad – weak weak weak. Terri says to expect this after trauma, but I thought it’d be more localized, and/or quicker to pop back to normal. When things go wrong, I don’t have normal resilience.
Another high-up lightbulb which I can't change has burned out.
We replaced our computer router but the replacement has failed.
Terri got a ride to the dealership which declared her car fixed but after driving only three miles, the car blew coolant again. She's stranded, and my car is at her office as that way we wouldn't have had to go far to retrieve it.
I am hobbling around nicely. I am noticing a skin condition on my face where it seems to itch an inordinate amount of time but I see no bumps or patches!
Time-Warner said to expect their tech by 10PM. Correct.
My foot is healing. Everything else seems to be falling apart though.
We are battling the car dealer about their crummy service - the Time-Warner tech is here as I write this at 7:15PM, trying to figure out why there’s no internet service – they tried to tell me it worked without coming but when he hooked up his gear, I was proven correct. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, we need it fixed.
And I find my energy is bad – weak weak weak. Terri says to expect this after trauma, but I thought it’d be more localized, and/or quicker to pop back to normal. When things go wrong, I don’t have normal resilience.
OCTOBER 23
I've been proud of myself, opting to forego the pain pills, prescribed at a pill every six hours, instead taking one half pill every 24 hours to help me sleep. I am a light sleeper normally.
But today as I am trying to get around the house more, the pain is real and so unpleasant I am debating if I should take a half pill now?
The upside: some relief.
The downside: constipation, dependency?, being in a fog.
If one choice would promote better chances of healing, I'd choose it.
I lean toward taking the pill.
On other matters which have affected our quality of life and stress levels, the tech from Time Warner did arrive last night, did find a problem, futzed around for about an hour, and replaced their modem plus one cable. Today it all works so far which is much longer than recent power down/power up cycles.
As for Terri's car, the dealership is trying to repair their repair again and if or when they are successful, Terri will take it to the Infinity dealership for a trade-in quote. Saturday it'll go to CarMax for another quote and we will end Jaguar nightmares as quickly as we can
But today as I am trying to get around the house more, the pain is real and so unpleasant I am debating if I should take a half pill now?
The upside: some relief.
The downside: constipation, dependency?, being in a fog.
If one choice would promote better chances of healing, I'd choose it.
I lean toward taking the pill.
On other matters which have affected our quality of life and stress levels, the tech from Time Warner did arrive last night, did find a problem, futzed around for about an hour, and replaced their modem plus one cable. Today it all works so far which is much longer than recent power down/power up cycles.
As for Terri's car, the dealership is trying to repair their repair again and if or when they are successful, Terri will take it to the Infinity dealership for a trade-in quote. Saturday it'll go to CarMax for another quote and we will end Jaguar nightmares as quickly as we can
OCTOBER 24
The Jag dealer will now replace the head gaskets free. We suspect they know they did something to cause the failure. We will unload thatcar as quickly as we can – provided we get it back in working condition. If not...?
Is this whole blog whining or is it commiseration-fodder for others, as was my original intention? I am too close to it to know.
Yesterday was Pain Day. It grew worse as the day wore on. “Wore” is an appropriate word! I think it’s because of all the walking I did on the cast, though mostly within the house. Although it transfers the weight away from the foot, apparently not all. I was weak, in pain, and bummed out. By 10PM I took a whole pain pill, which felt like a defeat.
There’s another side effect – my hearing is worse. It’s the part of the hearing that transfers through bone conduction... when we hear ourselves speak, some is through the air and the rest through bone conduction. Mine is bad. This has noticeably worsened, and when I speak it sounds like it is coming from afar – it could have been the antibiotics or the trauma, but it’s real and gee I hope not permanent. My voice is also weak. I feel way too young to be falling apart! My plan is to not dwell on these things and let time heal me. If not, I’m stuck.
Drove my car home from where Terri had left it. No problems whatsoever.
Is this whole blog whining or is it commiseration-fodder for others, as was my original intention? I am too close to it to know.
Yesterday was Pain Day. It grew worse as the day wore on. “Wore” is an appropriate word! I think it’s because of all the walking I did on the cast, though mostly within the house. Although it transfers the weight away from the foot, apparently not all. I was weak, in pain, and bummed out. By 10PM I took a whole pain pill, which felt like a defeat.
There’s another side effect – my hearing is worse. It’s the part of the hearing that transfers through bone conduction... when we hear ourselves speak, some is through the air and the rest through bone conduction. Mine is bad. This has noticeably worsened, and when I speak it sounds like it is coming from afar – it could have been the antibiotics or the trauma, but it’s real and gee I hope not permanent. My voice is also weak. I feel way too young to be falling apart! My plan is to not dwell on these things and let time heal me. If not, I’m stuck.
Drove my car home from where Terri had left it. No problems whatsoever.
OCTOBER 25
I guess it’s a sign of healing that I am complaining. Hard to describe, but what I’d have to call inflammation lives within many of my muscles. Perhaps it is due to selective inactivity (like so much sitting) or extra activity as I have had to make compensatory and unusual contortions.
We will try anti-inflammatory pills to see if they help.
My energy flags as the day wears on – this is not med-related as I am trying to get by with only a half pain pill at bedtime.
Neighbors came for a visit yesterday and for a while the conversation turned to adventures in surgery and bone breaking. It’s maybe a common thread – certainly among older people who’ve been there and done that – one which I’d like to stay away from, but, misery loves company. It was generous of them to stop by and our friendship has deepened several notches because of their kindness and concern.
Terri drove me to a pizza place and we had dinner out. A small step, perhaps, but an important one. It’s time to chart progress.
My goal is to walk – okay, hobble – into the doctor on Tuesday instead of requiring a wheel chair. I couldn’t ‘walker’ in due to the oddly sloping walkway and my lack of muscle, but I think I can do this and certainly will try.
We will try anti-inflammatory pills to see if they help.
My energy flags as the day wears on – this is not med-related as I am trying to get by with only a half pain pill at bedtime.
Neighbors came for a visit yesterday and for a while the conversation turned to adventures in surgery and bone breaking. It’s maybe a common thread – certainly among older people who’ve been there and done that – one which I’d like to stay away from, but, misery loves company. It was generous of them to stop by and our friendship has deepened several notches because of their kindness and concern.
Terri drove me to a pizza place and we had dinner out. A small step, perhaps, but an important one. It’s time to chart progress.
My goal is to walk – okay, hobble – into the doctor on Tuesday instead of requiring a wheel chair. I couldn’t ‘walker’ in due to the oddly sloping walkway and my lack of muscle, but I think I can do this and certainly will try.
OCTOBER 26
Yesterday I hit a wall. The whole journey to normal seemed so long, endless, really. Intellectually I know that’s not true. Emotionally, it sure felt like it. Tired of sitting. Tired of TV. Happily, Terri was home and I really enjoy her company.
Today she’s at work all day and I will be alone with only Jessie, our cocker spaniel. I wish she could talk.
Rains have come to Austin. Forecasters are calling for 2 to 3 inches of rain today. It should be a good day to get snug in my chair with a book. Maybe Aleve will help with what I can only think to call inflammation. I will call a friend in Tennessee and usually those calls are full of laughs. Laughter IS the best medicine. Reader’s Digest was right.
Today she’s at work all day and I will be alone with only Jessie, our cocker spaniel. I wish she could talk.
Rains have come to Austin. Forecasters are calling for 2 to 3 inches of rain today. It should be a good day to get snug in my chair with a book. Maybe Aleve will help with what I can only think to call inflammation. I will call a friend in Tennessee and usually those calls are full of laughs. Laughter IS the best medicine. Reader’s Digest was right.
OCTOBER 27
This from the BBerry as I am tired and don't want to move to the computer. Went to doc today - I drove without any problem and did walk/hobble into his office. I am proud of that. He cleaned up/off the blackened skin, removed stitches, and said after 24 hours I could shower as the area was 'closed'. Wish he removed the wires, but that is apparently two weeks away.
We stopped for takeout at McDonalds and after lunch I simply crashed, out of gas.
I told Terri that for the first time in my life, I feel old. She replied that it's the trauma that makes me feel that way. I hope so.
Doc said I'd be using the boot for another 4 to 6 weeks, that the bones are slower to heal. Since it beats the alternative by far, I'm game.
Terri has suggested that my foot has come a LONG long way, and I am wondering if perhaps the toes were dangling, but I never did see... And don’t want to know now.
I am trying to get an appointment with the psychologist who specializes in Trauma because I said I would at the encouragement of the surgeon.
We stopped for takeout at McDonalds and after lunch I simply crashed, out of gas.
I told Terri that for the first time in my life, I feel old. She replied that it's the trauma that makes me feel that way. I hope so.
Doc said I'd be using the boot for another 4 to 6 weeks, that the bones are slower to heal. Since it beats the alternative by far, I'm game.
Terri has suggested that my foot has come a LONG long way, and I am wondering if perhaps the toes were dangling, but I never did see... And don’t want to know now.
I am trying to get an appointment with the psychologist who specializes in Trauma because I said I would at the encouragement of the surgeon.
OCTOBER 28
This is a journey of ups and downs. I expected to crash again toward the evening yesterday but didn’t, and felt almost ‘normal’ as we went to bed. And amazingly, even without my half-pain pill for bedtime, the foot didn’t hurt. So yesterday was more up than down.
I am trying to book myself a visit with the Psychologist who might shed some light on the mood swings. Today I have a goal to walk around the house more, to try to build up my energy and muscles.
I am trying to book myself a visit with the Psychologist who might shed some light on the mood swings. Today I have a goal to walk around the house more, to try to build up my energy and muscles.
OCTOBER 29
See the 28th. Last night was a “down.” For hours my foot hurt. I took an Aleve but it didn’t seem to help for quite a while. Was this fallout from trying to walk a little more yesterday, in an effort to build some stamina? I walked the length of the house 5 times. That’s not very far. Could that have stressed the foot that much? Or is it just the ebb and flow of healing?
I DID book a visit to the psychologist next week. It’d be great if she could help me somehow. I honestly don’t expect much, but promised the doc and Terri I’d go and I will.
I DID book a visit to the psychologist next week. It’d be great if she could help me somehow. I honestly don’t expect much, but promised the doc and Terri I’d go and I will.
OCTOBER 30
Much pain yesterday which surprisingly seemed to be due to a too tight wrap of the ace bandage. Sensitive little toes! By bed time with a softer less aggressive wrap I was able to be comfortable. At one point I was even laying on my stomach – first time in 4+ weeks!
Tonight will be the first shower. I have been washing myself rigorously out of the sink, and feel it does a good job. However, the doctor and Terri both want me to shower (hmm) and to that end Terri has bought a Target store plastic chair on which I will be able to sit under the water.
I grew restless and bored yesterday so today I am spending more time on the computer which seems to keep my funk at bay.
Tonight will be the first shower. I have been washing myself rigorously out of the sink, and feel it does a good job. However, the doctor and Terri both want me to shower (hmm) and to that end Terri has bought a Target store plastic chair on which I will be able to sit under the water.
I grew restless and bored yesterday so today I am spending more time on the computer which seems to keep my funk at bay.
OCTOBER 31
Oct 31 Happy (Hoppy?) Halloween
Got outside and sat in the sun on a truly beautiful day. Took Terri to lunch. A neighbor came over with really clever Get Well cards and delicious cupcakes!
No pain in bed last night or today - has the tide turned?
I guess I should start to try to build some better stamina.
Got outside and sat in the sun on a truly beautiful day. Took Terri to lunch. A neighbor came over with really clever Get Well cards and delicious cupcakes!
No pain in bed last night or today - has the tide turned?
I guess I should start to try to build some better stamina.
NOVEMBER 1
Another good sleep night with no pain. Today I will stretch my range to see what happens. Does the lack of pain relate to me not doing much walking?
I find my voice is stronger. I think I am improving.
The wire in the second toe turned. This must have been from tossing and turning in bed. The surgeon said they will eventually spin and that will be the time for him to pull them out (don’t think I’ll watch!) It seems tight, but it DID move.
Stories of my accident bring out others: a neighbor was recently almost electrocuted. Another spent a week in the hospital – thought it was heart but turned out to be blood issue. I am not alone and by comparison, lucky.
I find my voice is stronger. I think I am improving.
The wire in the second toe turned. This must have been from tossing and turning in bed. The surgeon said they will eventually spin and that will be the time for him to pull them out (don’t think I’ll watch!) It seems tight, but it DID move.
Stories of my accident bring out others: a neighbor was recently almost electrocuted. Another spent a week in the hospital – thought it was heart but turned out to be blood issue. I am not alone and by comparison, lucky.
NOVEMBER 2
Another milestone – I went out in the car by myself and got a haircut. No pain last night or today. Maybe minor discomfort but that’s all. I wonder if I will have any issues left for the pain /trauma psychologist tomorrow? It IS odd, though – when I have the boot off and revert to non-weight bearing via the walker, I feel semi-helpless and don’t at all like the feeling. IN the boot I feel independent and able. There’s quite a psychological change.
The toe, now after several serious showers (lots of hot water) versus my sink baths... is looking much more normal except for the big badass black toenail, and, of course, the wires poking out of big toe and its neighbor. I will be so relieved to be rid of those.
I can’t tell if the ultrasound is working, but it is said to have good effect. It too is painless to the point you can’t feel anything at all.
Today is another wonderful day – bright blue sky and sun. I will sit outside but must figure out something to keep the boot from overheating – maybe tin foil?
Terri is upset that I am being so negative which is at the very same time I thought I had been doing so well. We will have a long discussion about these perspectives.
The toe, now after several serious showers (lots of hot water) versus my sink baths... is looking much more normal except for the big badass black toenail, and, of course, the wires poking out of big toe and its neighbor. I will be so relieved to be rid of those.
I can’t tell if the ultrasound is working, but it is said to have good effect. It too is painless to the point you can’t feel anything at all.
Today is another wonderful day – bright blue sky and sun. I will sit outside but must figure out something to keep the boot from overheating – maybe tin foil?
Terri is upset that I am being so negative which is at the very same time I thought I had been doing so well. We will have a long discussion about these perspectives.
NOVEMBER 3
Today at the behest of the surgeon, I visit a psychologist who specializes in Trauma and pain. Well, the pain has diminished to a level where it is a moot point, but we’ll see what insight I can access from someone who sees trauma victims all the time. I will report back.
The psychologist is one who deals with great and lasting pain. Her assessment was basically what I knew – I am on the road to recovery. She suggested I reframe some thoughts. “Hurry up and heal” to “I’ve already made great progress.” Things like that. I will follow her advice.
We discussed accidents. I felt there are accidents where there is no victim responsibility at all and then accidents out of stupidity and that mine was one pretty much caused because I wasn’t paying attention. So I was down on myself and angry about that. I will forgive myself.
The psychologist is one who deals with great and lasting pain. Her assessment was basically what I knew – I am on the road to recovery. She suggested I reframe some thoughts. “Hurry up and heal” to “I’ve already made great progress.” Things like that. I will follow her advice.
We discussed accidents. I felt there are accidents where there is no victim responsibility at all and then accidents out of stupidity and that mine was one pretty much caused because I wasn’t paying attention. So I was down on myself and angry about that. I will forgive myself.
NOVEMBER 4
Today I had an eye doctor appointment and the dilation of my eyes makes it difficult to see to type. So this will be short. I should report that the wire in my second toe is starting to turn – which means that soon it will be removed. The big toe wire seems to be locked in place so far.
I’ve begun auditioning for commercials and other voicework – I have a studio in the house – and that’s another positive step forward.
I’ve begun auditioning for commercials and other voicework – I have a studio in the house – and that’s another positive step forward.
NOVEMBER 5
This was a day to put into practice the ‘slow down’ advice from the trauma/pain specialist. I did consciously enjoy the beautiful weather and sat with our dog for maybe an hour, just soaking it all in.
Terri brought home her new car which made us both happy. So happy to be done with that rolling money pit – her old car – which we could never entirely trust the dealer service to fix.
Terri brought home her new car which made us both happy. So happy to be done with that rolling money pit – her old car – which we could never entirely trust the dealer service to fix.
NOVEMBER 6
I’ve become adept at wrapping my foot in the ace bandage but it’s very odd to touch my big toe which feels disconnected from the rest of me – apparently there were nerves lost. Terri told me the doc told her – if I was in the room, I must have checked out when he said that!
The ultrasound device emits about 1200 pulses in a 20 minute session. They are supposed to help cell regeneration, as I understand it.
The ultrasound device emits about 1200 pulses in a 20 minute session. They are supposed to help cell regeneration, as I understand it.
NOVEMBER 7
We went out to dinner. And I saw 4 other people in boots. This has to be the phenomenon where you have your awareness raised and you “see” what was always there. I cannot remember even ONE boot in recent memory and all of a sudden they were everywhere! Very strange.
NOVEMBER 8
Much feels normal – while in the boot, though yesterday it was low grade painful for quite a while until I took an Aleve then it cleared right up! Last night, taking a shower, I found the light water stream on my big toe (nail?) hurt – more than I would have liked.
This is strange – I feel normal, except there’s this foot... IN the boot I am ‘normal’ – out of the boot I feel like an invalid.
Good sleep and no apparent sensitivity under the covers last night. On Tuesday I will ask the doc for some sort of timetable and/or schedule of events. He spoke last time about taking off my big toe nail... but given the sensitivity I don’t know...
This is strange – I feel normal, except there’s this foot... IN the boot I am ‘normal’ – out of the boot I feel like an invalid.
Good sleep and no apparent sensitivity under the covers last night. On Tuesday I will ask the doc for some sort of timetable and/or schedule of events. He spoke last time about taking off my big toe nail... but given the sensitivity I don’t know...
NOVEMBER 9
It’s almost a phobia, not that I am an expert on them. But the way I feel in or out of the boot is so different, it could be. IN the boot, it’s almost as if all is normal – my movement around the house or world is basically unrestricted. Slower, but at will. OUT of the boot I feel trapped on that spot, unable to do much (most of the time the walker isn’t anywhere near me.) As a result, I don’t want to be out of the boot. The phobia part has to do with the intensity of these feelings. It’s uncommon for me to feel that much out of control.
Tomorrow is another appointment at the doctor. Since one wire is starting to move as it is jostled or touched, and the other seems cemented in place, I doubt that if he removes the one he’ll be able to remove the other. I just want them both out of me. They are ugly and serious reminders of what happened. I’d rather let it all slip into dim memory and move on.
So, X-Rays – for sure – and the answer to what happens after the boot is no longer necessary? (I’ve not asked!) I doubt I can force the foot (still swollen) into a shoe, but maybe an unlaced sneaker would work.
Tomorrow is another appointment at the doctor. Since one wire is starting to move as it is jostled or touched, and the other seems cemented in place, I doubt that if he removes the one he’ll be able to remove the other. I just want them both out of me. They are ugly and serious reminders of what happened. I’d rather let it all slip into dim memory and move on.
So, X-Rays – for sure – and the answer to what happens after the boot is no longer necessary? (I’ve not asked!) I doubt I can force the foot (still swollen) into a shoe, but maybe an unlaced sneaker would work.
NOVEMBER 10
The good news from the doc – I am completely out of the woods... no chance I’ll lose the toe/s. ‘The envelope (skin) is intact and healed.’ Huh? I didn’t realize there was the possibility. I figured when I left the hospital I was out of danger. Did I miss or repress something there? The doc really emphasized that, as he said he knows I am a sensitive type. Actually, he called me a coward at some point, as in joking, but the more I thought about it later, the less appropriate, feeling, or accurate was that statement.
Maybe I AM too sensitive.
The not so good news is that the wires are not ready to pull out. I didn’t know they go maybe 4 inches into the toes! And that I will be in the boot at least until the first week in December, and maybe longer. I want this to END.
Maybe I AM too sensitive.
The not so good news is that the wires are not ready to pull out. I didn’t know they go maybe 4 inches into the toes! And that I will be in the boot at least until the first week in December, and maybe longer. I want this to END.
NOVEMBER 11
I’ve been thinking about vulnerability. My injury brought that thought to the fore and I admit I’ve dwelled there. It seems to me that there are three broad reaches of life – and you aren’t really aware of them at the time unless circumstances highlight one: beginning, middle, and end. This isn’t as simplistic as it might seem at first – the beginning is when you grow an identity, perhaps ending at 20. The middle is the one most of us live within, as we tend to shy away from confronting the END of life. So the middle is where I’ve been, just cruising along, thinking I am reasonably agile, healthful, etc. Now after my run-in with the toe hungry lawnmower, restricted in mobility, my other health issues seem magnified, and I have thoughts of not wanting to burden Terri in the final phase. (This isn’t suicidal at all, just concern that I hadn’t intended for her to be a caretaker. Nor had I really thought about this until now, when I have a lot of time on my hands.)
So, reminded by an accident, we face vulnerability, a thought we’d prefer to deny or ignore.
It’s realistic, but unpleasant.
So, reminded by an accident, we face vulnerability, a thought we’d prefer to deny or ignore.
It’s realistic, but unpleasant.
NOVEMBER 12
Drove my old car to the dealership where I then ‘purchased’ the car I ordered months ago, which had finally arrived. The drive to and from, or the transaction – I’m not sure what, but when I returned home I crashed. Maybe it was no lunch that did me in?
Today I have to go out again on some errands – this will be a test of my energy level.
Recently I have felt what I describe as “old” – and I don’t like it. This is heightened by seeing some pictures of some contemporaries whom I haven’t seen in years, and THEY look really old. This must mean I do too, although when it changes so little every day, you don’t notice that your own mug is the way it is. Everybody says they feel 30 or so... I used to think I did. Now, not. Terri says it’ll be months before I am ‘back to normal’ and I hope she’s right that there’s a way to go, that this isn’t it, but I remain impatient to get there!
Today I have to go out again on some errands – this will be a test of my energy level.
Recently I have felt what I describe as “old” – and I don’t like it. This is heightened by seeing some pictures of some contemporaries whom I haven’t seen in years, and THEY look really old. This must mean I do too, although when it changes so little every day, you don’t notice that your own mug is the way it is. Everybody says they feel 30 or so... I used to think I did. Now, not. Terri says it’ll be months before I am ‘back to normal’ and I hope she’s right that there’s a way to go, that this isn’t it, but I remain impatient to get there!
NOVEMBER 13
The wires in my two toes are about 4 inches long, I am told. The second toe-wire does turn. As I understand it, when it spins like a pinwheel (when encouraged to do so) then that signals the job is done, and it is ready to be pulled out. The BIG toe wire is of a thicker gauge. It hasn’t budged. Until today. Juust barely. I am not for screwing with it, but I did ‘test’ it successfully.
NOVEMBER 15
We went to check out a local auction. When we ran into some people, I was asked what happened to my foot. The answer gets people sucking air through their teeth. This must be a common fear – whatever it is, it’s a common response. That, and then people tell me what THEY cut off, or what their relative cut off.
NOVEMBER 16
I think I’ve turned some psychological corner – I am not nearly so tentative with the foot. I am not consciously doing this either, it just happened, all of a sudden. When it was out of the boot I was so very careful and tended to hold it at an angle. That’s gone. I place it flat on the ground (not weight bearing, but when out of the boot – and until very recently I’d keep it off the ground, as if to protect it.
NOVEMBER 18
Last night I dreamt I could walk normally.
I did actually walk down the driveway and back. It’s got a slope. It wiped my muscles out. Wow. I am so very far from where I was prior to all this.
This evening we are stopping in at a neighborhood party – how long I can stand and chat will be an interesting test.
I swear the wire in my second toe is slowly coming out (but a long way to go) Doctor gave permission to Terri to pull it out if it gets real loose and she’s WAY TOO EAGER. She is actually excited about it. Not me.
I did actually walk down the driveway and back. It’s got a slope. It wiped my muscles out. Wow. I am so very far from where I was prior to all this.
This evening we are stopping in at a neighborhood party – how long I can stand and chat will be an interesting test.
I swear the wire in my second toe is slowly coming out (but a long way to go) Doctor gave permission to Terri to pull it out if it gets real loose and she’s WAY TOO EAGER. She is actually excited about it. Not me.
NOVEMBER 20
Tomorrow once the rain clears out I want to go to the mall and try to walk both sides of the ‘walk’ which is far, far and away the longest walk I’ll have had in 8 weeks. I need to build up my stamina. Issues: since the boot is higher than the other foot-in-a-shoe, walking stresses muscles in a different way than normally, and also works my hip in a way it isn’t meant to go. But I need to get that stamina going.
NOVEMBER 21
Made it to the mall, walked the mall – was not tired or sore. Standing around, however, really wears me out. Wonder why?
NOVEMBER 23
Again, to the mall but walked to the absolute limit of the mall and back. Not tired, no muscle issues. The next step will eventually be walking around the block here which with good feet takes 20 minutes, and comes with hills. I would hate to get halfway home and then seize up or something. Doctor tomorrow. Will the wires come out? Please?
NOVEMBER 24
To the doctor. Will he remove the wires? The wires keep me from being in shoes. I think. It may be he also wants me to refrain from walking on the toes just yet. You can tell from this and above that the wires are important ‘markers’ to my healing progress.
A GREAT DAY! The doc removed both wires. They are longer than I would have thought, even though he had told me how long they were. They just kept coming and coming. WOW! This is so good because now I can begin again to walk in shoes. Doc said it’ll hurt at first, and I expected that, but I am much closer to BACK TO NORMAL. I won’t be tap-dancing right away, and can expect some pain and fatigue as I begin to reuse muscles I have had immobilized for the past 8 weeks!
And as we were leaving, he acknowledged that this one was pretty much a miracle.
(This from my usual blog www.woodsgoods.blogspot.com) WIRELESS TOES!
You bet! No bluetooth here. Yesterday the doc removed the wires from my toes. The wires were longer in real life than in my imagination. Removal did not hurt - I don't know if the nerves nearby were lost in the accident or what, but I can write I am really happy they are GONE!!! Why? So I can begin the process of reverting to shoes.
Doc said I can expect some pain, and indeed I do. I can tell from the little pulses of discomfort which periodically have visited, that putting weight - after 8 weeks - on it and the surrounding tissue, blown out and healing bones, will hurt.
On the other hand, he pulled off the toenail and I didn't feel it. So clearly some nerves are there, some not. I was told 2 of 4 were left. I was also told this was one of the 'miracle' saves the doc has performed this year. I don't think he was bragging.
So literally, it's now the next step
I did it. Not easy, but not as painful as I half-expected. The hard part was getting the foot with sock into any shoe. Analogy: like steering a blimp into a tight-fit hanger. That foot is swollen! Finally found an old sneaker which would widen nicely when the lace was taken out. (I look like a hip-hop guy except the sneaker isn’t blindingly white – it has miles on it.) I started with the walker then without and made several circuits around the house halls. Enough for now. As a precaution I took my very last Oxycontin which I had been saving for Lindsey or whichever Hollywood star it would attract. One small step for man...
A GREAT DAY! The doc removed both wires. They are longer than I would have thought, even though he had told me how long they were. They just kept coming and coming. WOW! This is so good because now I can begin again to walk in shoes. Doc said it’ll hurt at first, and I expected that, but I am much closer to BACK TO NORMAL. I won’t be tap-dancing right away, and can expect some pain and fatigue as I begin to reuse muscles I have had immobilized for the past 8 weeks!
And as we were leaving, he acknowledged that this one was pretty much a miracle.
(This from my usual blog www.woodsgoods.blogspot.com) WIRELESS TOES!
You bet! No bluetooth here. Yesterday the doc removed the wires from my toes. The wires were longer in real life than in my imagination. Removal did not hurt - I don't know if the nerves nearby were lost in the accident or what, but I can write I am really happy they are GONE!!! Why? So I can begin the process of reverting to shoes.
Doc said I can expect some pain, and indeed I do. I can tell from the little pulses of discomfort which periodically have visited, that putting weight - after 8 weeks - on it and the surrounding tissue, blown out and healing bones, will hurt.
On the other hand, he pulled off the toenail and I didn't feel it. So clearly some nerves are there, some not. I was told 2 of 4 were left. I was also told this was one of the 'miracle' saves the doc has performed this year. I don't think he was bragging.
So literally, it's now the next step
I did it. Not easy, but not as painful as I half-expected. The hard part was getting the foot with sock into any shoe. Analogy: like steering a blimp into a tight-fit hanger. That foot is swollen! Finally found an old sneaker which would widen nicely when the lace was taken out. (I look like a hip-hop guy except the sneaker isn’t blindingly white – it has miles on it.) I started with the walker then without and made several circuits around the house halls. Enough for now. As a precaution I took my very last Oxycontin which I had been saving for Lindsey or whichever Hollywood star it would attract. One small step for man...
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