OCTOBER 13

There's a psychological toll being taken. It's unpleasant. As I lay there last night, unable to sleep, fear started to grip me. This is not a normal stop for my train of consciousness. Perhaps the gloom is being driven by semi-helplessness?

I worried about our being in a car wreck on the way to the doctor in the rain today. Then I worried about Terri being in an accident alone - how will I be able to care for her? And on my mind went, from tragedy to tragedy.

Could this thinking be tied to the speed and surprise of my foot-under-lawnmower injury? In an instant, everything changes. Your psyche tries to hold on to the old reality, but cannot, as it has been shredded. I don't know if it's the speed of change or the depth of change which is harder to process.

Or maybe it has to do with the way you were raised? My mother aways seemed to see the bad. An example, near word for word - and if I can remember this 30 years later, imagine how deeply I must have been programmed:

"Mother I just bought a car!"
"Oh, no..."
"No, it's a good one, a Cadillac."
"Oh no... Too expensive..."
"No, it's used"
"Oh no, you bought somebody else's trouble."

Not a lot of joy in that world, is there?

My father didn't drive our car - he just couldn't master it so my mother's influence was strong. She wouldn't get a radio in a car because "then you couldn't hear the sirens" and presumably you'd be hit by a fire truck or ambulance. Could this twisted-think be surfacing now at a time when my emotions are still raw?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Later...
Gee it’s another milestone – today is the first day I could sit at the computer. After 45 minutes of email, I am shot. It’s incredible how much energy you lose and how fast!

There is a lesson here – Doing my pecking for this blog when on the Blackberry was a time-consuming chore to start my days, but it gave me a purpose, and that evidentally was an important piece of the healing puzzle.

Yesterday had another good checkup but am now considering a psychologist as recommended by the surgeon. He fixes feet... let the other professional work on my head. He suggested I am still full of unresolved anger issues toward blaming myself, and I think it’s true. Will give it another week and see if my state of the head changes before I commit.

I must go rest.